Children’s Issues
There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One is roots; the other, wings.
Perhaps one of the hardest things to do is talk to children about cancer. It is natural to want to protect them from pain or unpleasantness, but children do best when they know the truth. Trying to keep information from them may do more harm than good and may result in hurting relationships of trust and feeding young imaginations.
How and what you tell a child depends upon his or her age, developmental stage, and level of maturity. How you deliver the information can make a difference on how well a child handles the situation. As a rule, the gentle, open and honest approach is best. Throughout treatment and follow-up care, you should continue to talk openly with your child. If you are not sure what to say, ask your physician, nurse or social worker for some help, or see the Resources at the end of this section.
You may need some time for yourself to adjust to your breast cancer diagnosis. If you feel you cannot talk with your children by yourself, ask your partner or another family member or friend to be with you to help.
Children, regardless of age, usually have common worries. They wonder who will take care of them. If you are a single parent, this concern may be very strong. Let them know that they will not be left without someone to take care of them. They may be scared that you will die. If you don’t have a clear answer, you can help by reassuring them that you are going to fight hard to get better.
When appropriate, you can give them ideas for how they can help such as making their beds, cleaning their rooms, setting the table for meals, playing quietly. These are simple ways for children to feel like they are making a difference.
These questions and issues are difficult. It can be painful for you to tell your children that you are not well, and the answers, sometimes, are just as hard to hear as they are to give. You know your children best and have the final say on how and when you share the news of your diagnosis with them.
How can I talk to my children and help them cope?
- Tell your children what is happening and what will happen next. Leave them with feelings that, even though you and they are upset now, there is hope that there will be better times.
- Assure your children that they are cared for and loved.
- Remind them that cancer is not contagious, and the diagnosis is not their fault.
- Listen to your children. Let them ask questions, then answer their questions simply. Recognize their fears and concerns, and let them know how they feel (sad, angry, confused, fearful, lonely) is normal and okay.
- Correct any misinformation your children may have.
- Talk about your feelings as well as giving your children information. You do not need to go into great detail about the medical treatments, financial concerns or other areas that may generate anxiety.
- Try not to make promises you may not be able to keep. Instead, say “I think I will be able to . . .” or “I’ll try to . . .”.
- Let your children help out if they want to, but do not burden them with too much responsibility. Kids need time to be kids.
- Keep routines intact as much as possible, and minimize family disruptions.
- Contact their school to keep them informed and updated on the situation.
- Take advantage of support services for parents in the community, and look for extra sources of support and care for children. See Support Groups in North Carolina to find groups for children who have a parent with cancer (also check your local hospital or cancer center).
Adapted in part from Helping Children Cope with Breast Cancer, National Alliance of Breast Cancer Organizations’ Breast Cancer Resource List, 2003-2004.
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Some
Tips About Talking With Children
Of Different Ages Children 2-7 years old: Children this age need simple explanations about cancer. Stories that relate cancer to familiar ideas will help explain cancer and treatments. For example, explain cancer treatments as battles between the “good guy cells” and the “bad guy cells.” Children 7-12 years old: Explanations to children these ages can be more detailed, but should still include familiar situations. You might describe the cancer cells as “troublemakers” that disrupt the work of the good cells that have certain jobs to do in the body. Children 12 and older: Many children these ages are able to understand complex relationships between events. Teenagers understand that cancer can lead to death. They need to be reassured that progress is being made to prevent this and that many people with cancer survive and lead normal lives. Adapted from Helping Children Understand: A Guide for a Parent With Cancer, (American Cancer Society, 800.ACS.2345 or http://www.cancer.org); Sharing: A Woman’s Guide to Breast Cancer, (Bristol Myers Squibb); Talking With Your Child About Cancer (National Cancer Institute, 800.4.CANCER or http://www.cancer.gov) |
RESOURCES
Organizations
American Cancer Society (ACS)
800.ACS.2345 or 866.228.4327 (TTY)
http://www.cancer.org
Provides information and services for all
forms of cancer, including breast cancer,
diagnosis, treatment and many other topics.
Children and parent information is available
through free booklets or online. Also available
in Spanish.
Buddy Kemp Caring House (Charlotte, NC)
704.384.5223
http://www.novanthealth.org/buddykemp
Provides home-like environment for emotional
support away from the hospital setting. All
services free. Offers support groups and
sponsors a cancer camp for families.
CancerCare
800.813.HOPE (800.813.4673)
http://www.cancercare.org
All services free. Information available
in Spanish. Has a Helping Children Cope program
of telephone counseling and support groups
for children whose parents have cancer, as
well as free booklets.
Cornucopia House Cancer Support Center (Chapel
Hill, NC)
919.401.9333
http://www.cornucopiahouse.org
Offers education, companionship and support
to help people cope with cancer. Services
are free and include support groups for children.
Kids Konnected
949.582.5443 or 800.899.2866 (Children’s
Hotline)
http://www.kidskonnected.org
Offers a Children’s Hotline (24 hrs/day),
Internet chat rooms and support groups for
children to talk with other children who
have a loved one with cancer.
KidsCan! (Raleigh, NC)
919.784.6455
http://www.rexhealth.com/centers/cancer/kidscan.htm
Provides educational and emotional support
for children, ages 6 to 18, whose parent
has been diagnosed with cancer.
KidsCope
404.892.1437
http://www.kidscope.org
Provides free books and videos to help children
cope with changes in a family when a parent
has cancer (both available in Spanish).
National
Cancer Institute’s
Cancer Information Service
800.4.CANCER (800.422.6237)
http://www.cancer.gov
This government organization is one of the
best resources for cancer patients. Has free
booklet for young people whose parents have
cancer.
Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation
800.I’M.AWARE (800.462.9273)
http://www.komen.org
Foundation for breast cancer research, education,
screening and treatment. Has free booklets
to help children cope when their mother has
breast cancer.
Y-ME National Breast Cancer Organization
800.221.2141 (24-hour hotline)
800.986.9505 (hotline in Spanish)
http://www.y-me.org
Offers educational and support programs and
a free 24-hour hotline in English or Spanish.
Has information on how to talk with children
of different ages about cancer.
Books and More
Both Sides Now, by Ruth Pennebaker (2002). A novel about a 15-year-old’s attempt to cope with her mother’s recurrent breast cancer. For teenage girls.
Cancer in the Family: Helping Children Cope with a Parent’s Illness, by Sue Heiney, PhD, RN, Joan F. Hermann, MSW, LSW, Katherine V. Bruss, PsyD, and Joy L. Fincannon, RN, MS (2001). This guide, with a removable art workbook, shows ways to help children deal with a parent’s cancer diagnosis. Contact American Cancer Society, 800.ACS.2345 or http://www.cancer.org.
Helping Your Children Cope with Cancer, by Peter Van Dernoot (2002). The author, whose wife died of cancer while their children were teenagers, gathers stories and experiences from twenty parents diagnosed with cancer.
The Hope Tree: Kids Talk About Breast Cancer, by Laura Numeroff and Wendy S. Harpham, MD, illustrated by David McPhail (2001). In this children’s book (for ages 2 to 5), the authors create a fictional support group, which addresses ten topics familiar to families dealing with the disease.
How to
Help Children Through a Parent’s
Serious Illness, by Kathleen McCue, MA, CCLS,
with Ron Bonn (1996). A practical guide that
explains children’s special needs when
a parent is seriously ill. Provides real-life
examples; and when and where to seek professional
counseling.
Michael’s Mommy Has Breast Cancer,
by Lisa Torrey, illustrated by Barbara
W. Watler (1999). A children’s story
of hope in overcoming fears and concerns
that confront children, ages 5 - 10, when
their mother is diagnosed with breast cancer.
Mira’s Month, by Deborah Weinstein-Stern (1994). Written by a breast cancer survivor for her four-year old daughter, this colorful children’s book describes the events and feelings a child experiences during her mother’s diagnosis and hospitalization. Contact 888.597.7674 or http://www.bmtnews.org.
Moms Don’t Get Sick, by Pat Brack with Ben Brack (1990). A journal of the experiences of a mother and her youngest son as they deal with her breast cancer.
The Next Place, by Warren Hanson (1997). This lovely, peaceful book was written to help adults explain death to children. In this children’s story, the adults affirm their own belief in life beyond this world.
Once Upon a Hopeful Night, by Risa Sachs Yaffe (1998). Offers a gentle way for parents with cancer to talk about their disease with their children. Contact Oncology Nursing Society, 866.256.4.ONS or http://www.ons.org.
Our Mom Has Cancer, by Adrienne and Abigail Ackermann (2001). In this children’s picture book, two 11- and 15-year old sisters describe what it was like for them when their mother underwent treatment for breast cancer.
Our Family Has Cancer, Too!, by Christine Clifford (2002). This children’s book with cartoons describes sixth grader Tim and his younger brother as they cope with their mother’s cancer diagnosis. Contact the Cancer Club, 800.586.9062 or http://www.cancerclub.com.
The Paper Chain, by Claire Blake, Eliza Blanchard and Kathy Parkinson (1998). This children’s book describes the emotions of two young boys whose mom is sick. Helps explain to young children what happens when a woman is treated for breast cancer. For ages 3-8.
Promises, by Elizabeth Winthrop, illustrated by Betsy Lewin (2000). This children’s book is the story of a young girl learning to cope with her mother’s cancer illness and loss of hair. Best for ages 3-9.
Sammy’s Mommy Has Cancer, by Sherry Kohlenberg, illustrated by Lauri Crow (1993). Written by a breast cancer survivor when she was 34 and her son was 18 months old, this book offers a sensitive way to explain breast cancer to a child.
Talking About Death: A Dialogue Between Parent and Child, by Earl A. Grollman (1991). Designed to help parents and children talk about the difficult time of death; how to cope with grief, anger, hopelessness, the loss of the loved one, and how to heal.
Tickles Tabitha’s Cancer-tankerous Mommy, by Amelia Frahm, illustrated by Elizabeth Schulz (2001). Written by a breast cancer survivor, this children’s book uses comic reality to show some situations faced by families living with cancer.
When a Parent is Seriously Ill: Practical Tips for Helping Parents and Children, by Leigh Collins and Courtney Nathan (2003). From interviews with families, two social workers offer suggestions for parents with a serious illness to help their children cope.
When a Parent Has Cancer: A Guide to Caring for Your Children, by Wendy S. Harpham, MD (1997). The author, a cancer survivor, shows how to help children understand and come to terms with a parent’s cancer diagnosis. Last 47 pages are “Becky and the Worry Cup,” a children’s book about a seven-year-old who copes with her mother’s cancer.
“Will Mom Be OK? Families Talk About Breast Cancer,” (video). Shares stories of families with children ages 3-18 with input from child/family counseling experts. Contact 877.245.1300 or http://www.bosombuddies.org.
Web Sites
CARINGKIDS
http://www.nbcc.org.au/pages/support/listserv.htm#kids
An Internet support group for children who
know someone who is ill. Offers a monitored,
open forum where kids may exchange information,
share feelings and make friends with other
kids dealing with similar issues.
Fernside Online: For Grieving Children
http://www.fernside.org
Has information on how to help a grieving
child following the death of a loved one.
Includes a section just for children.
Hurricane Voices
http://www.hurricanevoices.org
Offers a thorough, family reading list to
help children and young adults of different
ages cope with cancer in their parents. Also
includes books for parents.
KIDSAID from GriefNet
http://kidsaid.com
Kids can contact other kids online to talk,
get advice, and share stories about grief.
Directed by clinical psychologists and grief
counselors.
KIDsCope
http://www.kidscope.org
Offers help for children whose parents have
cancer. Also has “Kemo Shark,” a
16-page color comic book to help children
dealing with a parent’s cancer and
chemotherapy; and video, “My Mom Has
Breast Cancer: A Guide for Families,” that
has interviews with breast cancer survivors
and their children. Call 404.892.1437.
Mothers’ Living
Stories Project
http://www.motherslivingstories.org
Connects ill mothers with trained volunteers
in a process that is healing to both. Volunteer
Listeners guide mothers in reviewing their
lives and recording their stories for their
children.